Hopeless but Hoping
I'd rather be dead. My heart is 1,457 miles away.
Everyone would choose someone else over me..
Addiction is not a weakness, addiction is a disease. Watching her as I grew up with sunken in eyes, muttering to herself was something I did not ask for but I loved her anyway. Don’t let somebody else’s disease destroy you.
Do not expect them to change. Do not expect them to change. Do not put your sanity into their sobriety. Support them. Do not expect them to change because they are your mother, father, because they love you.
When they call you at 4 a.m. slurring their words sobbing, tell them you love them. Then remember to love yourself too, hang up. Go back to bed. I know it hurts.
Even if she screams at you as she collapses on the floor, know deep down somewhere she loves you. Right now she can’t walk straight let alone get her shit together. Hold her.
The person standing before you is not the person you know. It is the addict within them — this took me 15 years to understand. Addicts are dishonest, sneaky, narcissistic, and thieves. My mother is intelligent, strong willed, determined and adventurous. Learn to know the difference.
There will be ups and downs. Cherish the ups. No matter how short. Try to let the past go, so you can have time to make better memories, trust me. Anger is going to consume you. I want you to bite your tongue.
When they reach recovery and sobriety, don’t talk down to them about how they fucked up. They are well aware and they are not proud. Do not increase the self hatred they already feel.
If it gets to be too much in one night? Leave. I understand all too well.
For the love of God, do not play with fire. Don’t you dare inject toxic into your veins like they did.
As you get older it’ll make more sense than it does right now. Your nightmares will ease and you will learn to trust again.
When they get in deep, you’ll drive to their house to make sure they are still there, still conscious. You’ll call constantly desperate to hear their voice. In my opinion this is the worst form of anxiety. You’re going to make it. Breathe.
Addiction can sink so deep into you, that it has the ability to kill you. Do not be afraid to call 911 when they’re passed out, wheezing. When they’re covered in their own vomit, hyperventilating. They will be angry. But they will also be alive.
Do yourself a favor and remind those around you who also deal with her cruel words, that this isn’t their fault. She’s not herself. Be realistic. Hope is excellent until you drown yourself in it.
A personal message from the daughter of two addicts to you — it will be okay. You don’t have to be like them, you are not them. This is an infinite battle but you will heal. I did."